Permissible Man-Slaughter

50 FACTS ABOUT WOMEN

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man a women see is "Ken".

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

Do you sell heart medication?

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

Blur husband

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

I love you

Dearest Jimmy,

No words could ever express the great unhappiness I’ve felt since breaking off our engagement. Please say you’ll take me back. No one could ever take your place in my heart, so please forgive me.

I love you, I love you, I love you!


Yours Forever, Marie

P.S. And congratulations on winning the state lottery!!!

Have a good laugh!

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
1 - A JOB,
2 - A DRIVERS LICENSE
3 - SOCIAL SECURITY CARD
4 - WELFARE
5 - FOOD STAMPS
6 - CREDIT CARDS
7 - SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE
8 - FREE EDUCATION
9 - FREE HEALTH CARE
10 - A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
11 - BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

ALL PAID FOR WITH MONEY WE DON'T HAVE....

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION...

Women! You Better Know Your Place! Walk 5 Steps behind Your Husband!

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in
Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted
that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of
the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walk even further back behind
their husbands, and appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines!'

Are lawyers really clever?

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: getting laid

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

GOOD MALAYSIAN JOKE!

An old kampung imam had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. The Holy Book.

2. A fifty ringgit note.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old imam said to himself.

"When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the holy book, he's going to be an imam like me, and what a blessing that would be!"

"If he picks up the fifty ringgit note, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too."

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and God, what a shame that would be."

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room..

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Holy Book and placed it under his arm. He picked up the fifty ringgit note and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"God have mercy," the old imam disgustedly whispered.

"He's gonna run for Majlis Tertinggi UMNO."

To all the big businesses

Click on the picture to enlarge to read the cartoon.
Quite a revelation for today, since it was first drawn 15 years.
Great lessons for all the government subsidized companies - but of course they will never learn.

Recession is coming to town?!!!!!

Latest Christmas carol for 2008

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

We must beware of eating demons hiding in Chinese food!

The article below is one of the funniest and craziest article i have ever read over the years! Only individuals with a great sense of humor should read this! The author according to his website is "committed to historical Biblical Christianity. We seek to be thoroughly Biblical, comprehensively catholic, and true to the Reformation faith." All those with reformed faith must now abstain from eating any dim sum, noodles, fishballs - all Chinese food!




The Menace of Chinese Food
by James B. Jordan
December, 1984

[This essay was originally published in Presbyterian Heritage 5 (Dec. 1984), a newsletter of Geneva Ministries. Some very slight corrections and additions have been made here.]

One of the unrecognized and most deadly evil of modern life’s facets is Chinese food.
Most people are wholly unaware of the critical nature of the Chinese food question, and blithely continue to participate in this wicked and dangerous activity: eating Chinese food. Of course, to speak against such a hallowed institution as Chinese food is to be regarded as a fanatic, or even as sacrilegious, but we must be true to the faith!

A moment’s reflection by any serious and committed Christian will show transparently
why Chinese food must be rejected. Chinese food is an expression of Eastern monism. Not only does it come from the East, the heart of the world’s most sophisticated paganism (which in itself is reason to reject it as dangerous); it also in its very nature and composition reflects the monistic philosophy of the East.

Christianity gives equal ultimacy to the one and the many. In the West, this has meant that on one’s plate there are several kinds and portions of food: salad, vegetables, meat, and dessert. These are not, however, all mixed up together in a monistic unity, but are left diverse. It is the harmony and combination of the various foods, eaten one bite at a time, which gives expression to unity and diversity.

Chinese food, however, tries to break this down. All the foods — salad, vegetables, meats, and sweets — are mixed together in an attempt to destroy diversity and create a food-monad. This is obviously perverted and evil. Beyond this, sweet and sour are mixed together, in accordance with the philosophy of yin and yang. What could be more pagan?

There is more. Because the perverse nature of Chinese food causes it to be so intrinsically unpalatable to the human tongue, vast quantities of monosodium glutamate are added to make it taste better. Now, monosodium glutamate, or M.S.G. as it is popularly known, is recognized to be a poison, causing hyperactivity in children and cancer in adults. Not only is Chinese food pagan, it is also poisonous.

It is also idolatrous. This is in part due to the addicting nature of M.S.G., which causes the widely-recognized “Chinese restaurant syndrome.” The present writer, however, has further cause for alarm. Over the years I have tried to alert friends and family to the danger of Chinese food, and I have always met with rejection and ridicule. There can be only one possible reason for this — an idolatrous attachment to Chinese food. Why won’t people give it up? The arguments I have presented are clear as crystal, and obviously Scriptural and Christian. The reason can only be that people have an idolatrous attachment to Chinese food.

Non-Christians, of course, are more crazy about Chinese food than are Christians. I say this: Anything the pagans are that crazy about must be evil, and so Christians should keep as far away from it as possible.

There is still more. Few modern Christians have studied the classic exposé of Chinese
food by Alexander Slipshod: The Four Babylons. Slipshod in his masterful work demonstrates beyond a shadow of doubt that Chinese food originated at the Tower of Babel. Nimrod and three of his cousins, descendants of the four sons of Ham and known as the “gang of four,” developed Chinese food as a subtle means of undermining the true faith. People would become addicted to Chinese food, they believed, and as they ingested the food, they would absorb the monistic philosophy. For instance, if they ate sweet and sour pork, they would become committed to the philosophy of yin and yang. This has surely proved to be the case! We must beware of eating demons hiding in Chinese food! (Slipshod’s book has, I am aware, not been well treated by
reviewers. Its arguments, however, are obviously correct. Let the reader obtain a copy and find out for himself. The reviewers, obviously, are Chinese food addicts.)

How did Chinese food come into the West? Slipshod shows that it was the Bishop of
Rome who introduced Chinese food into the Christian world. Do we ever read about Chinese food in the New Testament? No, of course not. So, I rest my case. It can only be a Romish plot to destroy God’s true faith. Do we read anything about Chinese food in the Westminster Confession of Faith? No; so clearly the WCF is totally opposed to all Chinese food.

Have you ever noticed how fanatical people are about Chinese food? Not only do they eat the stuff, but they are willing to pay money for it. They even set up and support Chinese restaurants, wholly given over to the production of this evil, poisonous, idolatrous, and subversive food. When you try to get people to quit eating Chinese food, they act as if you are crazy. The whole world has to stop, just so they can eat their darling sin — Chinese food!

Like Luther before me, HERE I STAND! And if others do not like it, then it must be
TRUTH BEFORE FRIENDSHIP!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

There are many answers to the same question.
Finally, some authoritative answers to this age-old question!


BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken
wanted CHANGE!


JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to
engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side
of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the
road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from
Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves
to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......


DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after
the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
before adding 'NEW' problems.


OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from
his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his
life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either
against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road...


ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It
was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped
to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.



GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.



BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is
much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C%.......... reboot.



ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?


BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?


AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?


AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!


And now, the local version (for Singapore & Malaysia):


LEE KUAN YEW (Former Prime Minister Singapore):
We have installed crossing lights at all traffic junctions. All chickens
should be able to cross safely to the other side.


LEE HSIEN LOONG (Current Prime Minister Singapore):
Gantry points have been set up. All chickens wanting to cross the road are
advised to top up their cash cards first.


ABDULLAH BADAWI (Current Prime Minister Malaysia):
We have to be fair to all chickens. Some want to cross over the road, some
do not. ........ Zzzzzz .......zzzzzz ....... Now what were we talking
about? Ah yes, chickens. We will form a Royal Commission to decide whether
it is right for them to cross the road.


MAHATHIR (Former Prime Minister Malaysia):
Now even the non-bumi chickens want to cross the road? How can they
disrespect and disregard the bumi chickens? We must be allowed to cross
over first. It is our right!


ANWAR (Opposition party leader Malaysia):
We have enough chickens waiting to cross over in September.


SAMY VELU (Former Minister of Works Malaysia):
After we have erected the toll booths, all chickens are free to cross the
road.

Murphy's Lesser-known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

5. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by
those who got there first.

6. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

7. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

What are we throwing away?

I read a humorous story about a woman who fell out of a second-floor window and landed in a slow-moving garbage truck.

Half-buried in the litter, she tried without success to get the truck driver’s attention.

A foreign diplomat standing on the sidewalk saw her and quipped,

“Another example of how wasteful Americans are. That woman looks like she’s good for at least another 10 years.”